Recent funnies

"These automatic budget cuts are serious. It could negatively affect water and sewage services. In other words, all of America is about to embark on a Carnival cruise." –Conan O'Brien
"Today was Pope Benedict's last day at work. Don't be sad. All the other cardinals are buying him shots at the Vatican Applebee's." –Conan O'Brien
"Americans are bracing for this thing called the sequester – when $85 billion will be cut from almost every part of the budget. So teachers, meat inspectors, and TSA workers will all be affected. So if you're someone who teaches people how to keep bad meat off airplanes, you're really screwed." –Jimmy Fallon
"In fact, in South Africa more than two-thirds of the meat products tested contained undeclared ingredients. Or as we call that in this country, a hot dog." –Jay Leno
"The Pope said that the past few years have been very difficult for the church and at times he felt that "the lord seemed to be asleep." When asked for comment the lord said, 'You try staying awake through a Latin mass.'" –Conan O'Brien

Late night Political Satire

"Lip-synching – let that be a lesson; if you are in Washington DC and you open your mouth and another voice comes out, it better be the NRA, an oil company, or a bank." –Bill Maher

"Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana said 'we must stopped being the stupid party.' Good luck with that. When Sarah Palin heard that, she demanded an apology. She said, 'How dare he insult hard-working, patriotic, idiotic Americans like me.'" –Bill Maher

"Tom Tancredo, who was a congressman from Colorado and ran for president, made a bet that his state would not legalize marijuana. And of course, he lost that bet. And you know what he has to do because he lost that bet? Yes, he's got a suck on a joint. I just hope in the next few years he loses a bet on gay marriage." –Bill Maher

 "New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is getting big-time financial support for his re-election campaign, a fundraiser hosted by Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg. That means the creator of the world's largest social network is raising money for the world's largest governor." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Why does Mark Zuckerberg need to raise a fundraiser worth $12 billion. Write a check and be done with the whole thing." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you know when you poke Chris Christie on Facebook, your computer giggles like the Pillsbury Doughboy?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama delivered his inaugural address, which set a more liberal tone for his second term, especially the part where he showered the crowd with birth control pills." –Seth Meyers

"House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama's focus is to annihilate the Republican Party. Do Republicans look like they need any help from President Obama? They're doing a hell of a job themselves." –Jay Leno